Just When You Thought It Was Safe to (Channel) Surf Again

This Sunday, Discovery Network's Shark Week lunges and thrashes into your living room, leaving a predictably satisfying body count. This ritual promises to get a parched, drought-ridden nation through the long, dog-days of summer--and delivers. (Texas Governor Rick Perry's "Prayin' for Rain" convocations should be as satisfying and productive.) Each show manages to mix a dash of science and information with gallons of underwater mayhem. Of course, the first show doesn't air until Sunday, which forces loyal viewers to endure several shark-less days and nights. Might as well be land-locked. Fortunately, The Discovery Network has provided an entertainment to satisfy unsatiated shark lust: the simple shark cam. This novel innovation makes it possible to watch live video of the huge, lumbering eating machines at the Georgia Aquarium, the world's largest aquarium, located in Atlanta, Georgia. If you're a Shark Week alumni, you'll immediately start entertaining an obvious question: what keeps these man-eaters from devouring the other fish swimming nearby? Shark Week 2011 will also feature live co-viewing for iPad, iPhone and web users. Here is the program lineup:

GREAT WHITE INVASION Premiering Sunday, July 31, 9PM e/p Shark expert Chris Fallows goes diving with great white sharks without the protection of a cage (or his mind). Is he nuts, or are these animals simply misunderstood? Yes, and yes! Watch and easily decide. (You might even want to email Chris with safe-job suggestions. Perhaps...an Army bomb specialist in Iraq or a crash-test dummy.) There must have been a sane, scientifically-based motivation. After all, this is the Discovery Channel--Science, not sleazy, cheap entertainment. Let's try: Great white sharks, in large numbers, have been suddenly found swimming among surfers and vacationers just off beaches from South Africa to Australia, and up and down the coast of California. Just why they're there and just what they're doing is a mystery that Chris Fallows and an international team of sharks scientists are trying to figure out. It's a three-beer show, for maximum entertainment. Here is a clip from the show: Diving With Great Whites.

JAWS COMES HOME Premiering Sunday, July 31, 10PM e/p Jaws Comes Home tells the story of passionate shark expert and U.S. Fisheries scientist, Greg Skomal, as he documents six remarkable months following five great whites with names like Curly and Ruthless. At left, a view from inside the shark cage as Curly slams down on top. "When I cage dive with white sharks, my brain battles my heart," says Greg Skomal. (Didn't he watch Grizzly Man? Doesn't he have his own friends?) His avowed mission: to understand more about their recently discovered, 1,200-mile journey up and down the eastern seaboard, where he ends up bonding with them at a Sandals resort, revealing a lot about these much-maligned hunters--they're very sloppy eaters. It's a six-pack show--the surlier the better--for maximum entertainment. Here is a short segment called Great White Slam Dance.

ROGUE SHARKS Premiering Monday, August 1, 9PM e/p It was the central premise of the hit movie Jaws that still haunts people today: that certain sharks may "go rogue" and decide to go after humans. But does the science back this up? In this hour, we'll weave stories of some of the most horrific shark attacks in history with the larger scientific detective story of whether or not individual sharks ever develop a taste for human flesh or at least wetsuit and booty appetizers, and go rogue. Sobriety recommended. In this re-enactment, the Shark won't let go, as it chomps down on a boy's leg in Sydney, Australia.

SUMMER OF THE SHARK Premiering Monday, August 1, 10PM e/p In the summer of 2008 an unprecedented wave of shark attacks sweeps the eastern coast of Australia. Australian shark experts and fishery managers scramble to understand what is happening. Could it be that that the gradual dwindling of the sharks' natural prey due to overfishing has brought man to the top of the shark's food chain? Will the summer of 2008 be a prelude of things to come? Watch: A massive great white shark notices a group of Australian fishermen and starts circling their kayaks, waiting for them to panic and throw someone in the water.

KILLER SHARKS Premiering Tuesday, August 2, 9PM e/p December 1957: the height of tourist season in South Africa. Merry vacationers from around the globe descend on an idyllic resort town along the sunny coast to enjoy the summer. It's not long until the white sands are clogged with dead bodies and the sapphire waters are red with blood. The culprit? The authorities suspected a single, massive rogue shark with a taste for human flesh. In this clip: Re-creation of a boy getting caught in the wrong place at the wrong time during "Black December."

HOW SHARKS HUNT Premiering Wednesday, August 3, 9PM e/p Dave and Cody of Dual Survival dive in to investigate why no two species of shark attack in the same manner. Through a series of groundbreaking tests and the use of innovative high-tech camera technologies, they'll examine the shark's unique savagery and specialized methods of killing, revealing exactly why they're so deadly. The show wraps after they compare fresh bite marks, ultimately with Dave's carved ivory prosthesis giving him bragging rights.

SHARK CITY Premiering Thursday, August 4, 9PM e/p This show will feature the talents and dry humor of former Chief Shark Officer, Andy Samberg. Most people think of sharks as blank-eyed killing machines, but in Shark City, we'll get to know a handful of them as individuals. We'll follow the sharks of the Bahamas through their days and nights to find out how they size each other up, what they like to eat, and what it is that they're afraid of. Andy and his new buddies do an hilarious spoof of Animal House, with Andy as Flounder. Unfortunately, this show required the discreet use of a stunt double for the last segment.

Do these shows send the wrong message about the health of our oceans?

Photos: Sharks etc-- Discovery Network